The first thing that might strike many about the title is the quaintness of the term "Courting". I considered "Relationships" which seemed too general and "Dating", which seemed too frivolous, so "Courting" it is.
The purpose of this article is to examine our viewpoint on certain aspects, not least because the views we may be adopting do not always sit well with Biblical standards and principles. It is for this reason the article has been written, though the issues examined and the conclusions drawn, may not necessarily be popular.
My thoughts and therefore the format of this article fall into the following areas:
- Thoughts on Marriage and Single status in Christ
- Thoughts on Courtship among Believers
- Thoughts on friendships with those who are not believers.
Marriage and Single Status in Christ
The subject of marriage is one that is dealt with extensively in our Fellowship and the benefits of such studies are many. It is tragically sad however that the state of marriage, which symbolises the relationship of Christ with his church should so often fail.However, it is not my intention to re-visit this oft-trodden ground. Let us rather examine the events that lead to marriage and also consider whether marriage is the right course for all to take. We will commence with an anecdote from my own experience of being single in Christ.
Not that long after I was baptised, I experienced two occasions when I was introduced to a young, single sister in circumstances that were, to say the least, rather contrived. It crossed my mind that a single brother, especially one who had come into our Fellowship from outside might be regarded as something of a loose cannon that needed tying down! Now I feel that some very well-intentioned Brothers and Sisters were concerned about my well-being and thought I might be happier with a help-meet and determined to introduce me to some potential candidates.
It is clear from observation and conversation that match-making within the Fellowship continues unabated. Is this practice harmless and helpful?
One fact that strikes me immediately, is the difference between the present attitudes within the Fellowship and the teachings of the Apostle Paul. He taught quite clearly that the best life for a Christian was the single one.[1 Corinthians 7:1-9) If possible, it is best to remain single to best serve God. Spouses and families, although a blessing from God also require a lot of time that could otherwise be given to God.
When was the last time this scriptural viewpoint was put across in an exhortation, Bible study or article - "Serve God best by staying single"? I have never heard it said.
I know that I am one of those for whom a single life would not be a happy one. I praise God that in His mercy, He has made provision for those such as myself to walk kingdom-wards in the loving companionship of a fellow-believer. But let us not forget that there is an alternative to marriage that also has God's blessing and is even to be preferred, according to the scriptures.
God, we believe, has a plan and purpose for the World and, we hope, for us. We avoid politics, not least because to take sides in such matters might lead us into conflict with God's will. In a similar way, well-meaning intervention in the affairs of others may just possibly find us working against the will of God. Whilst it is natural for us to want those we care about to be happy, they might also be happy serving God as a single person.
We cannot speculate about how things might have been, had my life been directed down a different avenue, but the two young ladies I was introduced to have both in the intervening years, taken a different path. Meanwhile, I have shared many happy years with a "gad-about" who I was told would never settle down!
Perhaps ultimately, God over-rules such interventions, when they run against His will and purpose.
Courtship Among Believers
In the world, it seems the norm for children to crave adulthood, or to be pushed into adulthood so fast that they hardly have any childhood at all. The most obvious example of this is fashion. We could ask whether Parents in Christian families discourage this headlong rush to adulthood, whether they overlook it or whether they actively encourage it. I think most would agree that although our young people today look older and are more "streetwise" than their counterparts of previous generations, emotionally, they are still children. It is almost inevitable that sooner or later, young people will be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. The issues are as follows:- At what age do these relationships start?
- How far do they go?
- Do we, as adults encourage such "adult" behaviour in children?
What is the Biblical view of courting? Does such a thing exist? How much can be explained by cultural differences, and how much should be modelled on Bible principles?
Without getting too graphic, let us consider the life-cycle of a relationship. It can be summed up simply by the term "escalation". Emotions start out at a superficial infatuation and then grow deeper. This can happen over a whole lifetime. Physically, a look leads to a held hand, an arm around the shoulder, then a kiss.
Even if relationships do not become physically serious, they can become deeply emotional. Doubtless this is much more common. The heartache of a broken relationship may be all part of the learning process, in some people's eyes. But there could be the embarrassment of seeing one's ex-boyfriends or girlfriends at every fraternal gathering or Sunday School prize-giving one goes to. Some find it very hard to cope with, a few move congregations; one or two even leave the Truth.
We must not apportion blame when very exceptionally, someone falls away as the result of a broken relationship. It might have been God's way of testing that person. However, if we collectively modelled our dealings with others on Bible principles rather than the standards of the world, a lot of unnecessary heartache might be avoided.
The question that must concern us is "where do things go from here?" Is it natural for relationships to reach a plateau and stay there? If such a plateau does not exist (or at least cannot be sustained indefinitely), what are the alternatives; to break off the relationship, to get married or to follow an unscriptural path?
The Bible does not have rules or guidelines on dating or courtship, because they were not things practised in Bible times. The examples of the patriarchs show that an approach was made to the father of the young lady. If the match was agreeable and the required dowry was paid, the match took place.
Judges 14:1-4 And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines. And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. Then his father and his mother said unto him, [Is there] never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. But his father and his mother knew not that it [was] of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Israel.This scripture shows us the involvement of the parents in the process and also the involvement of God (more of that later). We know that cultural differences exist between Bible times and modern times. Although arranged marriages still occur in some cultures, the West subscribes to “freedom of choice”. Whether this ultimately leads to better, happier marriages may be a matter of debate, given the high level of divorce in most western countries. We may conform to the practices of the country in which we live as long as they do not contradict Bible teaching. How does that work in practice? Are our practices in keeping with the spirit of Scripture, if the letter of Scripture does not give us specific guidance on courtship issues?
Take betrothal, for instance. Betrothal is mentioned in the scriptures. It is a serious matter and a symbol of God’s relationship with Man. Hosea 2:20 “I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD.” For the betrothal to be broken, a divorce was required. (Matthew 1:19). This is not how the World views it. For many, it is not a promise to marry but an occasion to have a party and buy a ring. Hopefully, those in Christ hold betrothal in higher esteem that this.
But this still leaves the matter of dating. In this respect perhaps, the Bible is much clearer on how we should not behave, rather than on how we should. But we shall try and keep a positive view of things, rather than get in to a round of “thou shalt nots”.
We should not vex our young people by trying to impose rules and regulations on them, (Colossians 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.) but surely parents must want to show their children that there is an alternative to the ways of the World. Actively encouraging group activities, where young people can enjoy themselves, in the company of friends, is one way of doing this. Explaining that boy-friend/girl-friend relationships have worldly origins, rather than scriptural ones is another.
A friendship that at a later stage develops into something more has, I believe, a far greater chance of success than one based solely on physical attraction.
Some might argue that unbaptised teenagers are not accountable to the teachings of Christ. If our children have chosen the World, then their behaviour is their concern. Of course, until they reach adulthood in the eyes of the Law, children are our responsibility. For those who have a life in Christ, or who are preparing for such a life, we have a clear duty to advise them against behaviour that may lead them away from the narrow path.
Friendships, made as children and teenagers, can last a lifetime. Having friends from a similar background, with similar views and interests is a great blessing indeed. We should encourage our young people to enjoy each others' company as a group. Then, in the fullness of time, when they are in a position to think about a permanent attachment, they will have a group of friends who they know well from which to choose.
Friendships with those who are not Believers
From the above paragraphs, you may feel that my views on such relationships in the World would be clear - avoid at all cost! However, as with most situations, things are not always that simple.Our fellowship is a small one; it is an ageing one. With every passing year, the membership gets older. A young person in the world, may choose from neighbours, work-mates, people they encounter on the bus or train, family friends, people they meet at a social gathering, such as a wedding or party. They may have chance encounters in pubs, clubs, shops, parks, on holiday, or run into old school friends. If each of these ten or so activities only resulted in ten acquaintances, this would result in a pool of over 100 to choose from. If none of these were suitable, a young person might move to another area, take up new interests (my parents were convinced that amateur dramatics were my best chance of meeting someone). They could even join an Introduction Bureau, or meet someone through an Internet chat room.
For our young people in the Truth, of marriageable age (and those who wish to be married), the possible partners in the same hemisphere, within ten years, either way and with something in common, apart from the Truth, can easily be counted on one hand.
If we then take into consideration temperament, perspective on Life etc., the list narrows still further. Then there remains the small but vital question of whether two people like each other and are attracted to each other.
If they do not wish to get married, then as we previously discussed, this is a scriptural alternative to be commended. If, however, they do wish to be married, they may genuinely find that they cannot meet a partner in our fellowship.
The fact is that many of the situations where people meet other people apply also to Brothers and Sisters, in the World, yet not of it. What can result, is a tug of war. Standing either side of the dividing line between Christ and the World are two individuals, each trying to pull the other over to their own side of the line.
Sometimes the individual on the side of the Truth wins and someone comes to Christ as a result. Other times, a young Believer crosses over into the World. Some want their cake and eat it, but that is a different discussion. Most often, the relationship founders, with the danger that the Gospel is seen as the obstacle to personal happiness and fulfilment.
It should be clear that a friend with no interest in the Gospel is not a good prospect for long-term happiness in a scriptural relationship. However, apparent interest may only be to mollify the reservations of the brother or sister. Someone who has undergone instruction, interview and baptism is far more unlikely to be merely feigning interest in the Truth than someone who has just attended the occasional Bible talk.
These are the reasons (solidly backed up with the scriptures concerning separation) why we should discourage young Christians from actively seeking a partner in the World. However, we should not discount the Will of God in this issue (remember the example of Samson). If it is God's intention to call someone into the Truth by means of a friendship, then that is what will happen. If it is God's will to test someone's faith through a relationship in the World then this also will happen.
To summarise, there are clear lessons that parents and young people should take to heart:
- Let us all remember the view of the Apostle Paul that if possible, it is best to remain single.
- Resist the urge to play match-maker. If it is God's will that two people be together, He will find a way to make it happen.
- Encourage young people to take part in group activities, such as sports, outings, etc. and delay serious relationships until they have a prospect of going somewhere.
- Bring about an atmosphere where it is not considered strange to be unattached.
- Remember that we are not to be guided by the customs of the World concerning affairs of the heart.
- Whilst deterring young Brothers and Sisters from seeking a partner in the world, we should not discount the possibility that it may be God’s doing, either to test the young Believer or to bring someone to Christ.
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